Kenny has this goal, an admirable one I think, of seeing all of Shakespeare's plays performed live. The Folger Shakespeare Library is currently performing the very seldom seen Henry VIII. The rareness of this play and the fact that we found half-price tickets was too much to pass up. I like Shakespeare too, but seeing all 38 plays live is not a goal I feel compelled to achieve. And, I will do just about anything not to have to arrange for a mid-week babysitter. So Kenny went off on his own and I stayed behind to do the bedtime routine solo.
I was determined to end our dreary day on a high note, and things were going well. We'd bathed, read stories, sung songs and turned out the lights. I finished my own dinner in peace and was settling into a television show TIVO was graciously saving for me. And then, the final nail in the coffin. The boys were fighting sleep and winning. I got up to go "gently" encourage they throw in the towel and in my haste, knocked over my water glass right onto my not quite 6-month old MacBook Pro. It is dead, as in doornail.
Shocked and very aware that I couldn't save it, I went down the hall to finish my original errand. Walking into the room I was confronted with two very tired little boys who refused to accept the glaringly obvious remedy for their conditions. And suddenly, this long and now terrible day became too much. And to make matters worse, here they were awake and not even close to letting it end. I couldn't handle the tension anymore and burst into tears. I thought about the pictures we would probably never recover, the weeks of class notes I've recorded this semester that were gone forever, bookmarks for my 25 page research paper I cannot duplicate and I cried. I begged them to go to sleep and let me think, to let me come to terms with this loss, to let me figure out how to break the news to my blissfully absent husband.
But, instead...they started to cry. Pitiful, heart-wrenching sobs.
I was horrified.
How could I have done this to them? I'd scared and upset them over what? A computer and some lost photos? I'm the Mom, I'm supposed to keep this from happening, not cause it. I knelt down on the floor in their room and drew their shaking bodies in close. I wrapped my arms around them and hugged them tight. We cried together for a few minutes, them out of fear and me from shame. In the most soothing voice I could muster I promised them everything was okay. I kissed their damp cheeks and tired heads and tucked them back into their beds. As I drew the covers up to his chin, Isaac looked at me and through a final sob said, "Lie down with me, Mommy." So I did. He nestled in next to me, as close as humanly possible and very soon he was relaxed and sound asleep. And finally that exhausting day ended.
As I lay there feeling, more than hearing him breathe, I thought about the damage I had done. As delicate and vulnerable as my computer is, what of these two tiny hearts? A technician will take apart my MacBook, look for glimmers of life and try to recover something. But, for my children, it is not that simple. Their hearts are soft and growing and the things recorded within are permanent. I am the guardian of those hearts. And last night, I lost sight of that. I will miss those pictures from the important moments in their lives, sure. But, how much more devastated would I be to miss their trust, love and belief that I can make it all better?
The sun is out today and I know everything will be fine, no matter what the verdict on the computer is. I know it will be fine because the Macbook is just a thing, and things are replaceable. I know it will be fine because we have an external hard drive and most of what was on the laptop is saved there. But, mostly, I know it will be fine because as we crossed the street this morning I squeezed two little hands and those hands squeezed mine back.
As I lay there feeling, more than hearing him breathe, I thought about the damage I had done. As delicate and vulnerable as my computer is, what of these two tiny hearts? A technician will take apart my MacBook, look for glimmers of life and try to recover something. But, for my children, it is not that simple. Their hearts are soft and growing and the things recorded within are permanent. I am the guardian of those hearts. And last night, I lost sight of that. I will miss those pictures from the important moments in their lives, sure. But, how much more devastated would I be to miss their trust, love and belief that I can make it all better?
The sun is out today and I know everything will be fine, no matter what the verdict on the computer is. I know it will be fine because the Macbook is just a thing, and things are replaceable. I know it will be fine because we have an external hard drive and most of what was on the laptop is saved there. But, mostly, I know it will be fine because as we crossed the street this morning I squeezed two little hands and those hands squeezed mine back.